New Biography of Mark Devendorf to be written by accomplished hack

It has just been announced that David Elliot will be writing Crystal Film Statue: The Biography of Mark Devendorf. Mark decided on David Elliot as the final choice after reviewing the applications of hundreads of accomplished journalists. "I love his style," Mark said in an interview with the New York Times, "he has such a unique voice, that I just knew he was the right person to pen the story of my life." A publisher has not yet been chosen, but rumors are circulating that fellow students from Elliots junior high school journalism class will take on the project.

tapas for tips

I used to be cleverer. When asked where I'd been all night, I used to tell my wife that I went to the Tapas bar. I really went to a topless bar, but I said 'topless' in a way that sounded like 'tapas'. I got away with it too, until one night when I went to the topless bar, and found my wife dancing there. So I guess the joke was on me.

Michael Bay’s Agent is a Genius!

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Michael Bay’s Agent is a Genius!
Michael Bay’s singular talent is in cinema is to destroy vehicles in a visually impactful way. His actors always feel stiff and poorly written. The real reason we go to see his movies are the car crashes. Well imagine feeling and emotional connection to those cars. The perfect Bay film.

Transformers are vehicles with minds and feelings.
Can you imagine when Bumblebee, a Volkswagen Bug, has to run over some nails dropped by the evil decepticon, Hardware Store Delivery Vehicle, it will be like Bruce Willis walking through glass in Die Hard. Ouch!
When Jazz, a Mazda I think, flips in the air three times and crashes, you’ll stand up in the audience and cry, “No!!!!.” You’ll cover your eyes and his headlights get gouged out by some ill-placed re-bar. Your stomach will lurch while when his exhaust has a missile shoved into it.
The real tragedy will be when Hot Rodimus can’t afford gas, and will be forced to sit at entrances of freeways, begging for just enough money, to get back home, man. Why is gas so expensive?

Michael Bay, you’re a genius!

Gesundheit

When I need a blessing, I fake a sneeze.

NEW DIET

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Neo Nietzsche, Yeller of Truth!

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What is all dis bullshit? Dats right, I'm back from ze dead. I'm that tough. Yes, I was resting for a long time, but now I'm here to set things straight and inspire the next generation of genocidal dictators.

I am, Neo-Nietzsche, die Super-Man.

I am no longer a philosopher, I am a yeller! Philosophers are little girls in mens pants thinking about this flower and that cloud, I'm an ass kicking yeller. Everything I say is profound, so it will be yelled.

First thing, this quote that people love: "What ever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." What kind of pussy ass bullschiesse is dat? I had a dying friend and I wrote it on his get well card, hoping to inspire him. He was supposed to take that thought to his grave, but instead he told the newspapers, now everyone thinks I believe that sentimental tripe. Here's my true philosophy:

EVERYTHING WILL KILL YOU.

Much truer, much simpler.

Here's another one people always get wrong. "God is dead." Nice and short, but it doesn't tell the true story.

The full quote is, "God is dead, cause I killed him with a deadly kick to the throat." Put that on your bumper sticker drivers with your huge Hummer sized asses.

I am here to instigate/supervise the apocalypse, so be prepared with guns and beef jerky.

NEO-NIETZSCHE

Survivor: Guantanamo Bay

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Those wacky Brits have 1-uped us yet again, on all levels. They've created a show that combines Survivor (An Island), Fear Factor (Making People do dangerous or disgusting things), with nudity (Full Frontal Male) and no prize money! Watch:

http://fluxview.com/v/US_terrorism/GuantanamoGuideBook.mov

Now some might think of this as political, but how can it be Republican or Democrat if those parties don't exist in England?

Go Labor!

MARK D

Ratings or an explanation for "Two and a Half Men"

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I just read an interesting article about the "Nielson Family Ratings Boxes," those machines that count how many people watch what television show and when. According to this article, the "Ratings Boxes" release carbon monoxide gas while they are in use. While it isn't enough of the gas to kill the families, it does cut off oxygen to the brain that may cause brain damage.

Now you know!

MARK D

no factual basis for commentary

In response to the libelous remarks made about me, I am forced to defend myself with my own libelous remarks. I have never, nor would I ever, squash a snail. It is well known that in my younger days, I was a close friend to the snail. Salt would rarely grace my table, in the off chance that a snailish or sluggish amigo would happen by. Now for my own libel against this person identified as Mark D. Mark D. has often been seen (edited for continuity), and that is no lie!

A New Kind of Action Hero

This isn't a real movie, YET. It combines the brutal violence of Passion of the Christ and the Religious themes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Investors, start your engines (of your cars, to bring me some suitcases full of cash.)

MARK D

John D, Squasher of political dissent and snails

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Oh, yeah, read this blog, as long as you only like to read stuff that George Bush wants you to read.

John D, pulled down a sensitive piece of satire, and makes a long winded comment that isn't funny or interesting, and superfluous, unless my satire remained on the site so here it is again.


You know how they can't spell the "Froot" in "Froot Loops" like "Fruit" because is doesn't contain any "Fruit" (though it has plenty of "Froot) well, Fox News should probably be spelled, "Fox Noos" or "Fox Nooz." Which do you prefer? It's pretty hip to spell thingz with a Z theze dayz.


Don't let political dissent die, let John know you won't stand for it, all three of you, especially you Mom.

Voice your freedom!

MARK D

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My name is John and I suck.

soggy morning

I used to work as a volunteer for a 'suicide hotline', until I realised the people calling me had much more to live for than I did. The people calling began to tell me what I had to live for, but they were struggling. I hope in a way, it gave them hope, that it can actually get more hopeless.

Polytykal Blah-g's

Y'know how Bill Maher isn't funny? Y'know how The Daily Show is less funny than it used to be? Y'know how political humor isn't funny? Oh, you didn't know? Now you know.