5 More Ways in Which I Might Be More Popular Than Jesus.

1. Go to Liverpool, and get my 4 closest mates to start a band. Get a lame haircut using a bowl. Get rid of one member of the band to be left with 4. Write some basic songs. Go international and get really popular. Let our hair grow out, and hook up with a crazy Japanese chick. Get experimental with our music. Done deal.

2. Grow a beard and long hair, and get a flowing garment. Go back in time to when Jesus was crucified. Go to the place where they stashed his body for 3 days, and hide in there before his followers put him in there. After Jesus gets taken up to heaven, lay on the rock in his place. When they open the cave, I will pop up and say, "hey guys, what took you so long!" I believe followers of the son of God would be more impressed by a body coming back to life than by a body disappearing. I would be an instant success, and become quite popular. I would be doing it as Jesus, but it would still be me, so I would be more popular.

3. With a time machine, I'd go to Jerusalem a few years before the birth of Jesus. I would tell people all about being "preclear" and "operating Thetans" and with the help of Dianetics and some E-Meters, I would convince everyone that they should join Scientology. Clearly such a great religion would trump Christianity, and we could say/believe whatever we wanted about J.C.

4. I'd go back in time to the time about 500 years before Jesus. Then I'd impregnante loads of women. Each time I had a son, I would name him "Jesus of Arimathea H. Christ". I would then go back to the future and back to the past and do it again. All in all, I figure I could knock out about 10,000 Jesus's. Then when Jesus came along, and was named Jesus, people would think he was just hopping on the bandwagon, and wasn't anything special. Also, even if he did make a name for himself, there would be too much confusion with other Jesus', some of whom were criminals, or average Joe's, or actors. In the present, Jesus the name might be popular, but the guy probably wouldn't be. Once again, score one for me.

5. Change my name to "Coke". Coke's awesome distribution network goes all over the world, even to places than have never heard of Jesus. Coke is very popular, and refreshing.

5 Ways In Which I Might Be More Popular Than Jesus.

This is in honor of the Vatican's pardon of the Beatles comment on being more popular than Jesus. I thought I might try my hand at it.

1. Learn the tricks of a magician, with a combination of close up magician tricks like David Blaine, and big show David Copperfield type stuff, in order to "wow" people. Then, go back in a time machine, and upstage Jesus. The locals would be more impressed with my powers of levitation and making elephants and coins disappear than they would be with healing lepers. I would be more popular than Jesus.

2. Go back in a time machine, tip off King Herod. He will be there to "off" Jesus before he spreads the word. More people have heard of me than have heard of someone they would never hear about.

3. Go back in a time machine, and seduce Mary. She would get pregnant, but it would not be an immaculate conception, (well, that depends on how excellent my love-making is...she might in fact describe it as immaculate). Therefore, Jesus, as we know him today, would never be born. Again, more people have heard of me than have heard of someone they would never hear about.

4. Go back in a time machine, but this time with a collection of newspapers and an aramaic: english dictionary. Presumably Jesus would learn english and read the newspapers. He would see the strife caused between the Jewish/Christian/Muslim world and decide that it might be better to not get involved in all this "holier-than-though" stuff. He would not make "a scene" and would live out a long and happy carpentering career. His story would not last through a few generations, and therefore today, I would be more popular than Jesus.

5. There are still presumably tribes in the world who have never had contact with modern man. I will go to those tribes and I say, "My name is John. Have you heard of Jesus?" If they truly have had no contact with the modern world, then they will not have heard of Jesus, but they will have heard of me because I have just introduced myself.

*Granted, most of my presumptions are based on my having a time machine. One might say, "Oh, anyone could be more popular than Jesus if they had a time machine." They might be right. But I'm not compaing myself to "anyone", I'm comparing myself to Jesus. (I often do.) And in my review of the so-called Bible, I've never heard Jesus mention a time machine. Er go, if I have the power of the time machine, and Jesus has the power of God, (minus the time machine), I can always go back before God, and take away his power...rendering Jesus' historical popularity moot. (For those who are now confused with the Terminator's "John Connor's Dad" type confusion, just think of it like the whole "infinity-plus-one" type stoner chat...it may make more sense that way. Or, it might not...yet.)

**On reflection, I am feeling very confident, and...perhaps even powerful with this new realization. I will get to work immediately on my invention of a time machine. I will also get started on "5 More Ways In Which I Might Be More Popular Than Jesus."