Random Thoughts

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Frozen Zombie Breath: Mail Order

You dance like shit,
you know, like a brit

Law Enforcement Busts a Nut Syndicate

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Or, how I think it should be spelled, "Law Enforcement's Bust a Nut Syndicate"

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/28/AR2006112800816.html

Dreaming children are kid nappers.

Cool Farmers

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Newest Member Causes Conspiracy Group to Self-Reflect, Disband

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“I mean, everyone knows that September 11th didn’t even happen on Septemer 11th!”

Encinitas, CA:
The San Diego, CA Yahoo Conspiracy Theory Group, “The Truth Brigade” disbanded after their 30th meeting largely because its newest member, Stan Kerchian, caused the rest of the group to reflect on who they really were.
The group founder and president, Ben Polenta, had started the group back in December 2004 said, “I’d started the group because all my brothers hated hearing my theories on Kurt Cobain’s assassination. Sure, there were some edgier POVs within the group, things that bordered on racist, but we were cool with that. But Stan really made me think that I was a kook for ever starting this thing.”
Dan Cousca, V.P. of the group was the person who initially invited Stan to their 30th/last meeting, at local Round Table, after extended message boards chats. “I thought his enthusiasm seemed borderline unhealthy in some of his posts, I mean, everything he wrote was in CAPS with about six exclamation points!”
“He talked the talk,” John Seitan, who joined after the 3rd meeting reflecting on what made Kerchian such a mirror for the group. “He started most sentences with, ‘I mean everyone knows,’ ‘The truth is,’ and “I found this website that says,’ which is totally what you need to do to make a conspiracy seem credible, which made me doubt every point I’d ever raised at the group. Even normal stuff, like JFK, RFK, and JFK Jr. all being killed by the same ninja clan. I had charts explaining that one. Now, it just sounds stupid to me.”
Seitan continues, “I’d always found abbreviations a real time saver, MLK, BTK, LOL, the usual stuff, but his abbreviations and acronyms were just insane. I wrote them down on this napkin. He said, ‘MJ and X,F tell the truth about the K-ing and R-ing, and D-ing of RNJTT.’ I guess MJ could be Michael Jackson, X-F is X-Files, Killing Raping perhaps. No idea who or what RNJTT is, and when I asked him, he told me that I was working for the CIA or possible the TDNYQ. I mean, c’mon.”
“I don’t even think Round Table will even let us back in after the racist stuff he was yelling at all the cooks and cashiers. I mean, Round Table has great, pizza, bread sticks, beer! They had video games and back room where we could have some privacy. It even had a big screen where we sometimes watched bad quality video of President Bush performing a Satanic Ritual to refresh his power. Not that it matters now, I guess.”
Kerchian’s parting words to the group, which, according to witnesses contained the phrases, “Alien beaners,” “Inter-galactic Jewry,” and “OQZDNT Cabal.”
“We just looked at each other, I mean really looked, and realized, we should really grow up,” said Polenta.
There is a silver lining to this rain cloud, for Seitan, “When I told my co-workers at Subway that I quit the group, some clapped me on the back and told me that they used to think I had mental problems and were glad I would stop sharing my stupid theories.
Kerchian, upon hearing the news of the Yahoo groups had this to ramble: “OF COURSE, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE KGB STARTED YAHOO GROUPS IN ORDER TO OUT MEMBERS WHO KNEW THAT DR. WHO WASN’T A TV SHOW AT ALL, BUT A JEW-RUN DIMENSION, BACKED BY C.R.O.A.T.A. !! THOSE GUYS, IF THEY WERE EVEN HUMAN, JUST COULDN’T HANDLE SOMEONE FINALLY SPEAKING THE TRUTH. D.A.T.Z.E.E. FOREVER!!!!!!”

Local Man Beginning to Suspect Marriage is Corporate Sponsored Event

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Milwaukee, Wisconsin:
Steve Gutterung, 35, is beginning wonder if his marriage to Stacie Irvine, 22, is a corporate sponsored event. After six years of marriage, Gutterung, feels like he is finally putting the pieces together on a lot of suspicious activity.
“Don’t get me wrong, she’s great, beautiful, wonderful wife, it’s just that she seems like a commercial sometimes, touting the benefit of this brand of laundry detergent or the flavor popping excitement of this snack chip. At first I thought she watched too much TV, but the other day I found a corporate memo for that night’s dinner’s sponsors and talking points.
Six years ago, Gutterung, met his wife at O’Shaunasee’s Miller Lite Night’s Out.
“Yeah, she was one of the Miller Girls, in a white tank top with “Miller Light” printed on the front. I went up and asked her what her favorite beer was, she laughed and said, “Miller Lite.” I said, “Me too!” We both laughed really hard at my joke. We got a long like gangbusters, so I asked for her number. Instead, she asked for my phone number and social security number, which I gave to her. I didn’t think she’d call, but she did! I offered to take her to a fancy place, but she just wanted to go to Pizza Hut, which I thought was great, at the time.”
Gutterung, who works at the local phone company claims that Irvine is not his first suspected social meeting with a corporate sponsored interaction.
“Yeah, one time at Virgin Records some guy at a listening station told me that the new Counting Crows was awesome, and I should take a listen. He wasn’t wearing a uniform or anything, so I listened. While I did, he asked me my musical tastes, I said Skynard, Nugent, Skaggs, he said the new Counting Crows album, “Hitchhike to Squaresville,” was right up my alley. So I bought it. It was alright.”
Corporations, in recent years have been paying “cool and attractive” individuals to “get the message out.” Miller Brewing Company Spokesman, Bill Candette, spoke of the phenomena, “Getting “mental space” is getting more and more difficult. I mean, with TIVO and people just getting overwhelmed by advertisements, we’ve been exploring new avenues, like sponsored nights at local bars, paying individuals to go into chat rooms to recommend a new beer, and occasionally women in no uniform going to bars and asking men to buy her, her drink of choice, “Miller Lite.” A sponsored marriage? That idea was bandied around in our A&R’s R&D department, but a real world trial? It would require more than one company, there’d have to be some sort of consortium of very large multi-product corporate sponsors. I can’t really comment on that.”
You’ll hear few complaints from Gutterung.
“Yeah, one time I brought home a six pack of St. Pauli Girl and she just lost it. We had a huge fight, I’d never seen her angrier. But besides me never mentioning prescription medications, because of the monologues she goes on about side effects and benefits, it’s a pretty happy marriage. Except that she only wants to go out to eat to Pizza Hut, KFC, and Taco Bell, and we always have to drink Pepsi or Miller Lite. Every once in a while I’d like a Big Mac and a coke.”
Over a dinner of Fritos, Pepsi and Quaker Snack Bars, Irvine and Gutterung eat with their two obese children, Miller, 6, and Gen, 2, who continually hound their father about buying them an XBox 360 and a Barbie Dream house, respectively.

Nick Jr. After Dark

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MARK D