Welcome adventurer!
You are walking to school, well prepared for the big math test, when you see a shimmering among the trees. Naturally curious, you walk over, and see what looks to be a doorway, perhaps to another world. You are feeling adventurous, and pass through.
On the other side is a magical world of strange sights, sounds, and smells. You are in a forest with animals and trees you’ve never seen before. Out of the bushes, a large creature quickly approaches. He looks like a giant green, armored orangutan of some sort. He is gripping a large ax that he is waving about wildly.
If you stay and talk to the creature, go to #100
If you back out through the doorway, go to #101
#100
“Hello,” you say, holding out open hands to show you mean no harm, “I come in peace.”
He continues his approach, and with a single swing, he chops off both of your peaceful hands. As you stare at your blood spouting wrists, your ever-diplomatic hands on the ground, he lifts his ax again, and swiftly liberates your body of this stupid head that decided to talk to a crazed creature wielding an ax. That’s the end for you buddy. I’m surprised you’ve survived this long on planet earth, let alone in this strange new world. You’re not very smart are you?
If you say, “Yes I am, “ go to #102
If you say, “No, I guess not, “ go to #104
#101
As you wisely retreat from this armed creature you go back through the door to return to the safety of your own neighborhood. However, whatever laws of time and space created the doorway have changed, and you now emerge into a new world. This new place is like a slightly milder form of the planet Venus. The searing gases begin to melt the skin away from your body. Your throat is choked by the poisonous hot air. Your blood boils as your entire form dissolves into the acidic air.
This is what you get for being so cowardly. You tried to return to your boring home life, when a whole world of unknown wonders was before you. It’s called ‘Choose Your Own Adventure,’ not ‘Choose Your Own Cowardice.’ You’re not much of an adventurer are you?
If you say, “Yes I am too“, go to #103
If you say, “No, I guess I’m not“, go to #106
#102
No you’re not! You were killed by an ax-wielding ape! Haven’t you heard of evolution? We’re above the apes. What are you, a creationist? Go back to #100 and answer more truthfully, unless you are a creationist, then go to #105
#103
“Yes I am too.”? What are you, an idiot? You backed away from a stupid ape-man. C’mon, show some bravery. Life is an adventure! Live it! If you can’t face this ax fellow, why do you even leave your house? Maybe this should be called Choose Your Own Adventre, because there is no ‘U’ in that adventure.
If you say, “Yes there is”, go to #107
If you say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right, go to #108
#104
Awww, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re really just sounding pathetic. Think of this as a learning experience. Now you’ll know what to do next time something like this happens, which it never will. But until then, try to have someone else make all your decisions for you.
#105
You’re an idiot.
#106
No, you are not. Why did you pick up this book? Honesty begins from within. Don’t pick up something you can’t finish. Don’t go to an all you can eat buffet if you only eat some salad. Don’t bake a cake if you don’t have any eggs. Maybe you should just stick to what you know, and if this is how you ‘adventure’, then I doubt you know very much.
#107
Don’t contradict me! I’m the book. I’ve been published. People, other than myself, have validated my existence. Not just my wife, Susana, (who hated my first three books because she always ended up at the ‘You’re an idiot’ page.) but also my editor, his hot assistant Denise (who is the one who actually reads and edits the books), and my editor’s boss, who, by the way, just said, “yes” to my next book. Oh, and my fans, so SHUT UP! When you get published, I will begin to consider your opinion.
If you say, “But I am published”, go to #109
If you say, “I may not be published, but that doesn’t give you the right to completely discount my opinion”, go to #110
#108
Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. You know, I’m glad that your skin melted. Although, I wish you could have been killed by the ape as well.
#109
Denise! Oh, how I miss you. I promise I’ll be finishing my next book soon, and then we’ll finally be together, side by side, going over the prose, honing it with your ivory fingers. Be patient. Susana and I are practically done, and then we can be together forever my love.
#110
Fuck you Susana. Only someone as spiteful as you could have gotten to this point, you obstinate cow. If this book does half as well as I expect it to, in six months I’ll be neck deep in teenage poon tang, and you’ll be breaking your vibrator, fantasizing about what we once had. Pathetic. You know after reading this, you can go to #108, because even though it doesn’t have to do with the route you’ve chosen, it is wholly appropriate for the path you’ve chosen in life.
PS: I’ve been reading your diary, and you write like an idiot. You couldn’t get published if you were hiding in an annex from the Nazis. And do you know what makes for better reading that your diary? California Divorce Law For Dummies. Go to #111
#111
Divorce Contract
X__________________________________(sign here)
