HOW TO RUIN DON JOHNSON'S CAREER:

I have two skills, dialing rotary phones quickly and telling a good story. With these skills, and luck on my side, I was able to bring down Don Johnson's career.

Back at the height of the 80s, Don Johnson was a king, ney, a god. Worshipped by all. He sported a mullet, was married to Melanie Griffith, and was on the top television show in the country. He was on top of the world.

One day I saw him in a public restroom, peeing in a urinal, just like any other celebrity. Some very attractive girl he was with knocked on the door and asked him to hurry up.

I told the story to some co-workers, and impressed as they were that I'd seen Don Johnson, the story was a let down. Nothing too shocking. So I changed it every time I told it, until I got the right reaction.

When I called the local morning show the next day, the story I told was of a woman who wasn't his wife, Melanie Griffith, wearing a fur jacket over her wonder woman shorts flashed her boobs to everyone in the bathroom. She said he made her wear that outfit.

Suddenly, I was the talk of the town, cause it happened to me and I was on the radio. Then I called another radio station the next day, then another. Soon, I had my rehearsed speech of the bathroom incident so smooth so I could predict the wacky comments made by the morning DJs, and could engage in their witty repartee. I was calling all over the state, then the region, soon nationally. Soon the tabloids picked up on it, and interviewed me. I became a minor national celebrity for a while, then it went away.

I was left without anyone to talk to about any celebrities. I was nobody again.

So I went to Hollywood, hoping to see a celebrity. After three years all I saw was Woody Allen once, but I couldn't come up with a story better than him having sex with his adopted daughter, so I let it go.

Years went by, then I saw Don Johnson in the bathroom again. He looked aged, withered. A shell of his former mullet majesty. I guess what I'd said had taken it's toll on him. He and Melanie had broken up, he'd started doing drugs, Miami Vice was cancelled, even that show with Cheech was now gone. He looked lost and then it hit me, I'd ruined his life, with only minor improvements to mine. I shook my head and told him I was sorry I'd told that story about his girlfriend being topless wearing wonder woman's outfit. He stared at me for a moment, then asked what I was talking about. I shook my head. Drugs had taken their toll, or so I thought. Turns out the guy wasn't really Don Johnson, not even an impersonator.

This really made me wonder, had I ever seen the real Don Johnson? I'm sure I did, cause most lies are based on truth.

dis-Independence Day

Let us reflect, this anniversary on our country's independence day. What is this day really about?? Back in the day, the Brits were a bunch of 'wankers', trying to tax our tea. But time heals everything, even our addiction to 'tea'*. What was the big riff all about? A small misunderstanding has separated our two cultures for hundreds of years. Well, that, and the Atlantic Ocean. Now, in the year of our lord (so to speak), 2007, let us look at the world through the frame of 20/10 contact lenses that our optimistic optometrists provide, and realize that our two countries are much more similar, than any two countries in the world. (Yes, I realize Canada is a 'country', but they are more like some sort of US shadow than equals. Basically, Canada is like Åland (the automomous province of Finland)). What I really mean is, we all need to join together and put aside our differences of yore, to become...The United Kingdom of America! UKA ALL THE WAY!

*tea is a beverage made from soaking leaves in hot water. It has a bitter taste unless sugar and milk are added. It is enjoyed by roughly 5 billion people worldwide, those 5 billion people who have never tasted coffee or Rockstar Energy Drink.